he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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