did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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