I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
