I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
