You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
