I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
