your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My balls are so social today.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
