I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
