Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
