Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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