Soap is not a condiment
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
