please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
