all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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