Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
