That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
