Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
