my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
