I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
