Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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