Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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