im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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