I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
