The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
