I could make wine with my vomit
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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