So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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