I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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