A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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