Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
