They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
