I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
