period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
