Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
