I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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