His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
