I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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