I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
