apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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