i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
