Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
