I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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