Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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