miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my shit smells like andre
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
