you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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