I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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