ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
