Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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