hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
