Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
