I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
