Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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