i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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