I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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