Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
