Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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