God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
