Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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