Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
