Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
